Monday, October 27, 2008
This blog took me a very long time to finish. It is my story of healing, comfort and understanding.
I've gone through different stages since Kaleb's birth. I could almost walk myself through the stages of grief but felt selfish... what did I have to grieve about? I have a happy, healthy and beautiful son. I thanked God for our tiny miracle and prayed for comfort. I realized I was grieving for Kaleb. Each mother can understand my pain. Life is hard. There are challenges each person faces without an extra adversity. I suddenly was plagued with sadness. Questions flooded my mind. How hard would it be to tie his shoes? Play video games? Climb a tree? I broke down one night to Brian. As tears streaked down my face I turned to him, "What if no one wants to go to homecoming with him? What if someone is mean to him? How hard is life going to be for him?" My breaths came in uh-uh-uh huh's. Brian smiled and said one word that instantly made me feel better, "Olivia." He was right. People we're mean to her. Very mean. Not because she was different but just the opposite. People were mean because she is beautiful. I've witnessed it first hand. Brian and I have watched her tears wondering how people can be that mean and angry. People who don't even know her. She was still amazing and perfect. My parent's raised her that way. Brian also confided in me that since the day Kaleb was born he's been dressing himself with one hand. He told me at first it was tough but now it's no problem. He actually showed me too. He even tied his shoes.
My sadness turned to anger. I did everything I was supposed to in my pregnancy. I never smoked. I didn't drink. I didn't so much as put a Tylenol in my body without my doctor's permission. Anger boiled up in me. I've watched more than one woman defile her body during pregnancy. Smoking because, "I don't want a big baby" or "I can't take my medicine and this is all that helps me." Drinking because, "The doctor said one glass of wine was fine." Yeah. One glass, not one bottle. I was mad at God. I was mad at myself. I couldn't face those women either. I am still terrified my anger with boil over since they have no idea how thankful they should be. I didn't care about me. I didn't want this for my son.
I prayed. I prayed hard for comfort and understanding. Ta-da. God delivered my answer in a Joel Osteen special on Sunday morning. After his sermon I did some digging of my own in the bible.
"Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him." John 9:3
My ears rang. My heart fluttered. I suddenly understood. God did this so he could work through my son. When I was pregnant I prayed for God to help us guide our son to do His work. I prayed for Kaleb's faith to grow beyond measure. I prayed for more knowledge. Brian and I wanted to teach him God's word. Of course, in my mind I was thinking Kaleb would go to be a preacher or doctor. I never imagined God would guide Kaleb through his hand. This passage spoke to me. I didn't do anything to have God punish me; God was rewarding our family. Christ says of uncommon disabilities that they are not always to be looked upon as special punishments for sin; sometimes they are for God to manifest his works.
“Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes him dumb or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now then go, and I, even I, will be with your mouth, and teach you what you are to say.” Exodus 4:10-12
The Lord made Kaleb this way and he was going to teach him how to help others. I suddenly knew. Kaleb was destined for greatness. He was going to be so much better than a construction worker, computer programmer or scientist. He is going to live up to his name. He is God's warrior. Kaleb will plan his course but the Lord will determine his steps.
Brian & I will be close behind.