2:46 PM

Overcoming Our Past

Friday, July 9, 2010

This morning's visit went well again. My blood pressure was outstanding, still no swelling, minimal weight gain and no protein! Woo hoo! She has slowed down considerably so Doc did a NST (non-stress test) which went awesome after Dr.Grim got me some orange juice to get her going. All healthy and measuring right on track!

This pregnancy has flown by so quickly. My "worry" ticker has been set on low and I have just enjoyed each moment watching Kaleb grow and develop during the past few months. I haven't been stressed about anything and this pregnancy has actually been (dare I say) easy?

The past two weeks as I drift off to sleep each night I have tried to "prepare" myself for the birth of our daughter. I went in to my birth with Kaleb with no standards, just hopes, of a health baby, good APGAR, minimal tearing, quick recovery, good latch on for breast feeding....

I never in a million years would've predicted what happened that day.

And I'm scared now. Really scared. I like my life. I love my son. I love Brian. I remember looking back at the Eviction Post each time I went to write Kaleb's birth story and felt angry. I just wanted to delete it and my blog and each memory of happiness during my pregnancy that led me to believe we'd have this awesome birth experience and come home a few days later with this healthy bouncing boy.

God has such healing powers. I spent minimal time being angry or upset and moved on so quickly to understanding and acceptance. We really felt (and still do) that we were chosen by the Lord to have Kaleb, in all his glory, with just one hand. God has amazing, phenomenal, outstanding things in the works for our boy. We believe that with every single inch of our being.

When I was about 6 months pregnant with our daughter we met with a genetic counselor. After speaking with her, she informed us that we had the same chance of any other "normal" couple sitting in the waiting room of our daughter having something wrong. I felt safe and secure and confident in the Lord's plans for her life and no matter what, she was ours and made in His likeness and we loved her already. We counted her fingers and toes on the ultrasound and made silly jokes about how "uncool" she was going to be next to her extraordinary brother.

And now that's all I can think about. It's everything that occupies my mind right now. Healthy baby, healthy baby, healthy baby.... no more surprises, no more surprises, no more surprises... Please. Begging. Pleading. Praying myself to tears at God for just a normal delivery for us. Please.

I was so upset a few nights ago that I sat down to my computer and reached out to Emily, a mom I met on Superhands. Her older son, Noah, was born like our Kaleb. And about a year ago she had Luke, his perfectly healthy baby brother. She was so quick to write me back and calm my fears. She, also like us, had a quick, unplanned c-section with Noah and found out about his hand on the table. Luke came via-scheduled c-section, healthy and happy. However, her feelings we're so parallel to mine those last few days that she gave me some scripture that really helped her ...

First, one so basic I could've quoted it to you from my sleep. "For I know the plans I have for you say the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

So simple. So powerful. God knows exactly what he is doing and His plan's for our this family are "good" and will give us "a future" and "hope."

Second one is from Psalm 139 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well".

I know I have heard this scripture many times and if the first one was too broad this one sure narrows it down! God put this little girl together just the way He wanted her to be... in His likeness... in His image. It makes me feel better... and at ease about the entire process. In order to keep those feelings and stay in my stress-free zone Brian and I created this picture to take into the operating room:

It's already printed and waiting in our hospital stuff. I know all the things that we went through with Kaleb's birth we're horrible... and scary.... but looking at that picture of our sweet little guy now makes every terrifying second worth it and keeps us going.

My support system will waiting the morning of the 19th, come what may, good or bad. My mom and sister. Char and Cody. My brother-in-law is coming down early to pray over us with my SIL, Jennifer. My sweet mother-in-law and father-in-law. Pam (a few of the other NICU nurses from Kaleb's birth) although I'm sure they could just come into the OR if they wanted :)

And of course, God will be with us the whole time. Say some extra prayers for our awesome little girl.

10 days until we meet her.
10 days and we become a family of 4.